Alright, so I have had many people ask me the past few days about "the poop story". They want to hear it. Do I want to tell it? Well ok, but, it is by far , the most embarressing thing that has ever happened to me (besides not wearing underwear to St. Thomas's Nativity play at the age of 3 and peeing my pants in 2nd grade.)
First, let me set up my little day for you. I am diabetic, and had to have the normal, run of the mill,12 hour fasting blood test. Let me tell you, I absolutely DREAD this. Keeping food away from me for 12 long hours is like keeping milk away from a baby. So, I wake up, to low blood sugar(of course) and a down pour of rain. I had plans to meet one of my oldest and dearest friends for breakfast at Frisches at 9:00. I didn't realize my little blood test was going to be 36 viles later. By the time I got out of Christ Hospital, I was starving and shakey. Jonathan(my 2 yr old) and I finally arrive at Frisches and hop into the booth with my friend, Sara. We hit up the breakfast bar, and Jonathan sees these big trucks across the street. So naturally, he wants to watch them. I am fine with that. Nobody is sitting around us, and we are about 10 ft away,so I let him go stand and look out the window. He is being so good(which never happens in public places) and of course I am shoveling the food in as fast as my little mouth will open. He walks over to me and says "Mom, I poop." He has been telling me this when he does one or the other. I pull his pants out and look down to find a shiney little hiney. Thats right, no diaper is on his butt. I say to Sara"Oh, shit! Did I forget to put a diaper on him this morning? " Remember ,I haven't had anything to eat in 12 flippin hours and am a little more coo coo than normal. I feel down his leg and find the diaper wrapped around his leg, completely dry. I tell Sara I am going to take him in the bathroom to make him sit on the potty. I get him in the bathroom and go to pull down his pants and there is the poop, all over his legs all in his socks and toes. Completely gross!!! I start scrubbing him down with Frisches hand soap that smells like an old woman's perfume and paper towels. So, now all my child has on is a diaper and bengals jersey. Since he is the third child , he is neglected! Ha! You would think I would have learned by now to pack extra clothes, but nope! I can hear my Dad's voice in my head"Girl, when ya gonna learn?" Obviously , not anytime soon! We get all cleaned up and I ask the manager for a bag for the nasty clothes. He laughs and talks about his kids. I wouldn't be laughing too hard yet,buddy.
Finally, I go back to our booth ( my child,half naked) and Sara is still laughing at me. Of course, Jonathan sees the trucks again and wants to see them. Whatever! Go! We were waiting for our check anyway. He is over there 2 seconds and comes running back in his little Bengals jersey saying"Yucky Mommy! Yuck!" Holy shit! There is poop on his foot. Where the hell did this come from? I walk over to the window and there on the floor is a nice pile of poo! I am pretty sure the f bomb came out of my mouth. Imagine that! Sara is laughing so hard I think she is going to fall out of the booth. I go over with napkins to clean it up and can't get it up because it has the consistency of soft serve ice cream and is stuck in the groves of the carpet.OMG!!! You have got to be kidding me?!!! Come on God, give me a break!! Just once!! I promise I will be good!! Mortified, have to go back up to the laughing Manager and ask for a scrub brush and warm soapy water. I will clean up my own kids poo! Well, guess what? Its against the health department! The laughing manager has to clean it! There he goes with his rubber gloves,brush, and warm soapy water. The next thing I hear is "Girls, rope of the dining area, and call Stanley Steamer." I think we made our mark at Fort Thomas Frisches.
Oh, and P.S. I totally forgot to tip our nice waiter because I was too busy scrubbing poo off Jonathan's body. I feel horrible, but I just can't bring myself to go back in there. They would probably all run like hell and play"paper,rock, scissors "to see who was going to wait on us.
Next time, I am going to a bar to drink , instead of eat, and I will be going without my children!
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