HIGH SPEED CHASE

  To say it has been a calm day, is an understatement. I should have known how the day was going to go when I could hardly get my girls out of bed for school. Leah, especially was giving me a run for my money this morning. She was dragging her feet and being very difficult,which made us late for school. This was problem # 1 of the day. I should have gone back to bed, but I didn't.

  I was so excited for today because Leah 's dance class was over and  neither of the girls had piano today. I had plans to get a ton accomplished today. Did that happen? Absolutely not! I pick Leah up from school, where she proceeds to tell me that she almost puked at school and had the cold sweats,a bellyache and headache. I take one good look at her and know that she has strep throat. Sure enough, after a visit to my wonderful doctor's office(they were awesome and squeezed us in) Leah is confirmed with her 6th case of strep since December and has to go see an ENT to get her tonsils out.  This is problem of the day #2.

  We get home from the doctor's office and I get Leah and Jonathan all situated  with a movie so I can go switch over the laundry. I go downstairs, lift up the lid of the washer and see that my washer isn't spinning all of the water out of my clothes. OY!!! This is problem of the day #3.

  Ralph gets home from work. I explain to him about the washer. While I am telling him about the washer, he gets a phone call and rushes outside from the madness in the house to be able to hear the person on the other end of the phone. He comes back inside, and has" that look". You know, "the look" your husband has when he is extremely pissed off and is about to explode, but can't because his kids are in the room and doesn't want them to pay a larger dollar amount for the therapy sessions they will need as adults because of their father's explosive behavior.I ask him "What's the matter?" He proceeds to tell me that our bank put a fraud alert on our savings and checking account because they have been having fraudulent activity with the one restaurant we went to. Seriously? Can the day get any worse? Oh you bet your ass it can! This is problem of the day # 4.

 The rule at our house is, when you have strep throat and you have to get a shot, you get to pick whatever you want for dinner. Leah decides she wants Chinese. Yum! I love Chinese! Ralph decides to pick up the food on the way home from work. He tells me something weird was going on at the restaurant. He didn't hear any fryers going and it was so weird how quick our food was ready. Needless to say, our food was DISGUSTING!! GROSS!! GROSS!! GROSS!! I settled for an orange and a piece of cheese for dinner. Problem  of the day # 5.

This is the cherry topper to my day. I am taking Ella to dance class. Two blocks up from my house I stop at a 4 way stop sign. It is my turn to go. I proceed, with caution. The person on the right side of me did not. He is driving a big gray truck. He hits the back end of my car and  slows down, looks at me and keeps on driving. I have watched way too many episodes of Cops and Police Women of Cincinnati. I throw my car in park, push the door open and start sprinting toward this guys car. This guy in a white van saw the whole thing and starts driving after him. He corners his car. The guy gets out a block and a half away from where he hit me and says "Uhh did I hit your car?" My response" What do you think? "  I have his license plate memorized. I already know his type way too well. His type likes to steal strollers off of people's front porches. " You aren't going to call the police, are you?" He asks.  "I already did." I say breathless from my high speed foot chase and calling 911 at the same time. Sometimes, I do impress myself. That is what you call multi-tasking ,my friends. "Damn." is all he had to say to me.
 I come to find out that he was driving his "baby moms" truck. In those exact words,"baby moms". At this point, I am thinking Dear God, its me, Bridget! Please help!! Why, oh why, can't there be normal, decent human beings on this earth?  And by the way, the hit man claims that he wasn't sure if he actually hit my car. How do you not know if you hit someones car? Really? Oh, and before the cops came, he licked his hand and tried to rub out my bumper. "It's paint!" I snapped! " You can't rub it out!" He just looked at me like I had three heads. At least he was smart enough to go stand on the opposite side of the street after I was kind of pissy with him. On a positive note, he did have proof of insurance. We shall see, if it is active. I am not going to hold my breath. I also think  God was trying to give me a sign  today,when my change from my iced tea was $6.66. I even donated a dollar to benefit some foundation so I wouldn't have that amount of change. And what do you know? This was problem #6!
  I can' t wait to get in my bed tonight and forget this all happened! These days only make you stronger or an alcoholic!

THE SEPTIC TANK

   My Grandma and Grandpa lived on about 4 acres. At one point my Grandma and Grandpa had cows, a huge veggie and fruit garden,beautiful rose gardens and an apple orchard. My parents would let us run the land when we would go out there. It was great. My Grandparents also have a septic tank. It used to have a bubble like metal top. Well, it did have a metal top, until I fell through it.  Yep, You got it, at one point in my life half my body was swimming in poo. My Grandma's poo that is! Yuck!

  Before my Grandpa died,he would have what he called a "fall round up."  All of the grand kids come out and help clean up the yard and harvest what is left in the gardens, before winter would come. Then they would order LaRosas or Grandma would make dinner for us.
   We carried on this tradition after Grandpa died. It was too much for Grandma to do alone. So, We go out to Grandma's. I had  had Ella and Leah. They were 1 and 2. Both walking. We are all cleaning outside and Ella and Leah keep running over the septic tank cover. I kept telling them to stop. Did they listen? Of course not! My Dad yells at me to grab Ella would kept jumping on it. I run over, to get her I reach over to grab her and she runs off the lid at this point.  Well, I am already on top of the tank. And the next thing I know is that I am holding on for dear life while half of my body is in the septic tank and my one leg is in a heel stretch position  outside of the tank. IT HURT LIKE HELL!!! I start screaming and my family comes running over laughing hysterically. Really people? You aren't swimming in poo!  My brothers drag be out of the tank. I have crap(literally) all over my body, and in  my hair. I hobble into my Grandma's garage, and strip down naked, throwing my shoes and clothes away. I couldn't decide if I wanted to puke, faint,laugh or cry! I had to get into the shower,obviously and get some new clothes. I go running into my Grandma's house with nothing covering me but a dish towel. Grandma is sitting in her chair. She comes following me into the bathroom.  " Why are you running through the house with not a stitch of clothing on?" She asks. " I fell through your septic tank." I say. " What do you mean you fell through my septic tank? It has a lid." She asks extremely confused. " I fell through it Grandma. It was dry rotted and 30 something years old." I reply. For goodness sake I am trying to scrub her poop off my body! I don't need to be questioned! I tell her to ask my Dad about it. But first, she went in her room and got some clothes out  for me to borrow. Remember,shes 83ish and I am 25. There is a  little bit of a fashion gap there. On her bed she sets out for me a Christmas turtleneck, puke green elastic wasted pants, hospital socks with the tread things on the bottom, and a green harvest sweater, complete with pumpkins and gourds. Oh and I almost forgot, I had to borrow her bra! Ha!Ha! Needless to say it was WAY too small. How did I get this lucky? This would only happen to me!!
    My Mom made me call about getting a tetanus shot. Of course I needed a tetanus shot. It was a Sunday, so I had to go to the hospital and  get a shot. I got some stares! Oh well! A day in the life of Bridget!!

  
  

OPI SPARKLING RED - LIPS THAT IS

    I guess growing up with two older sisters has to be tough. Jonathan is always the babysitter of their baby dolls and always gets the short end of the stick when it comes to the girls playing barbies together instead of rebounding his basketballs or being the pitcher for his baseball game. He usually wants to do whatever his sisters are doing. This would only naturally include putting on lip gloss , nails being polished and putting on head bands.
   We always having a lot of nail polish at our house being a Cosmetologist it can be an addiciton for the great discount I recieve. St. Nick decided to stuff my girls stockings with  a mini set OPI sparkling nail polish. St. Nick will NEVER do this again. Dumbest idea ever!
    This day, I am about to tell you about is going to go down in the history books. We have a had a very cold winter here, in Northern Kentucky. Chapped faces and runny noses seem to be the fashion for children's faces. I had picked Leah up from Kindergarten. We get home from school, I ran upstairs to use the bathroom. I was gone for 30 seconds, at most. I tell Leah to keep an eye on her brother for a second. I come downstairs to my son, with very RED sparkling lips. I thought Leah had put lipstick on him. She is notorious for wearing lipstick all the time. Thank goodness she finally started calling it lipstick and not lipdick. That was a problem for a while. So, back to the sparkling lips. As I get closer to Jonathan, I realize that its not lipstick,its OPI SPARKLING RED NAIL POLISH. "Mom, I let buddy polish his lips!" Leah says all proud. OMG! Nail polish. How in the wide world am I going to get nail polish off of his lips? Not only was it on his lips,it was underneath his nose, where his skin was so chapped and crusty from our horrible winter. I tried wipes. I tried soap. I tried everything. NOTHING was working and my girls needed to go to basketball practice. Great, I am going to have to take my son and his sparkling lips into a gym. Thank goodness he is 2 and won't realize the cross dresser looks he would be given. Oh, and I almost forgot, he was boycotting wearing shoes that day. He looked negleted to say the least!
   After  I got a million questions from the little kids in the gym and weirdo stares, a Mom comes up to me and asked me if I called poison control. I didn't. I am positive he didn't drink it.  He is the youngest of 3. I was trying to get out the door on time to get to the darn basketball practice . I didn't have time to call poison contol!Be happy I am here on time and my other two kids have shoes on with possible matching socks(yeah right!)
  Three days later, after going to the grocery store, running mulitple errands  and going to Jonathan's sisters activities he finally didn't look like Johnna anymore and looked like himself again. I had to pin him on the couch with vaseline and warm water and scrub away while he screamed"I not like my wed(red) wips(lips) Mom! Stop it! Stop it!"

   Lesson learned: I will never leave Leah in charge, even if its for 30 seconds to pee. St. Nick will never bring stocking stuffers of nail polish, and I will take a picture next time if his lips ever get polished again!