The Polite Fat Ass

  It has been way too long! I have actually had people come up to me and tell me they need a good laugh...start blogging again! You got it!
  Where to begin? Alright, I have a story for you. I take dinner to my Granny Horan once a week. She just turned 89 last Saturday. Everytime I am out at her house bringing her dinner, it is always interesting. A few weeks ago, I brought her some soup. Grandma was sitting across the counter watching me like a hawk, making sure I got out the "exact bowl" with the "exact spoon" for her soup. I guess when I reached up to get the bowl out of the cabinet, my shirt crept up a bit and my stomach was showing. " My,my you are stout." Granny blurts out. "You know,when I was your age, I never had that problem of being stout. I was skinny as a rail. When I was pregnant, nobody ever knew it, because I never looked like I gained any weight at all." First of all, I am not even preggo, and second of all, if you want to call me fat, just say it.  I ignore her little lovely comment, until she strikes a second time. I guess she forgot she politely called me a fat ass the first time. This time, I am sitting on the floor taking her support hose off of her legs and putting her slippers on her feet for her. " Oh my you are stout. You know, when my mother was stout, she got her scale out and measured her food, so she wasn't stout anymore. Most women that are stout have larger chests. I never had that problem,having a large chest,because I wasn't stout." She says to me. OH MY WORD, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  Oh no you didn't just call me fat again, Grandma?!?  So, I decide to grow a larger chest than I already have, and "woman up" and give Granny a taste of her own medicine. "Grandma, if you call me stout again, I am going to let you try and take your own support hose off and put your own slippers on. You know, if you can't get your support hose off  before bed, you could have your circulation cut off in your sleep, and then you might actually have a problem." I say. Her response" Well, I don't have circulation problems. I have never had any major problems. Now, do you want some ice cream? I need a bowl."  Haha! I love it,call me fat and offer me ice cream!

  The next night it was my brother's turn to bring Grandma dinner. Clay calls me on the way home from Grandma's. " Hey" he says" I think Grandma just tried to call me a fat ass, politely....." The joys of being 89!!

IN STITCHES

   It has been way too long since I have blogged last. Please forgive me, but our house was getting renovated. I have been without Internet for a while. I don't know how the Amish do it!! God bless them!

  As I was putting my table back in my dining room last night, I was thinking about all of the purposes a kitchen or a dining room table serves. I have missed my table and home cooked meals for a good 6 weeks now. I am actually excited about making my family dinner and serving it at my table. Did I really just type that? Remind me in two weeks when I am whining about what to thaw out for dinner. But, I do have the most fond memories of my childhood sitting at the dinner table with my parents and brothers. It's a great way to connect with your family at the end of the day over a great meal(hopefully)!

  My dining room table also has served as the place my Jonathan flipped off and got 6 stitches in his head. Along with an ambulance ride to Children's Hospital. When we have a doosey in the Meyer household, we like to do it up big with all the bells and whistles.  The first problem was, that I was cleaning. And if you know me well, you will know that I am not a great housekeeper.( I just don't have the time with 3 little kids. Someday, I will have a clean house, but then my life will be boring.)  I was vacuuming the carpet, Jonathan was playing right behind me while I was trying to vacuum and I guess he spotted his sister's 8x10 school pictures on the dining room table  that I had dusted and climbed up there to look at them. The vacuum cleaner got clogged,(another reason I hate vacuuming) I turned it off and looked around to see him standing on the table, looking at Ella's picture. I literally scared the daylights out him. I must have raised my voice a little panicked "Get down from there. You are going to get hurt." And with that he slipped  and flipped off the dining room table, head cracked through the glass of the picture frame, and then landed on top of the picture frame on the floor, knocking himself out. His head had a nice gash in it. My buddy was bleeding like crazy, as all heads do. My girls ran in the room and immediately, thought he was dead. They freaked out! Poor Leah was hyperventilating and thinking she was going to barf. Ella ran and got me a towel and was searching for my cell phone. My phone was nowhere to be found. Baby in arms, I ran next door to both of my neighbors houses and nobody was home. At this point, I looked like I was involved in the St.Valentine's Day Massacre. Jonathan is bleeding and screaming and I am starting to panic,( just a little bit )running up and down my street looking for a neighbor to use their phone. Thank goodness for this lady driving down my street.  She pulled over, called 911, and  I used her phone to call Ralph. Of course he didn't answer because he didn't recognize the number. He later met us with us after one of the EMT 's left a message on his cell phone. It is always good to start the cell phone message" No need to be panicked Mr. Meyer but....."

  The life squad arrives at my house, and my girls are still sobbing because Jonathan is crazy bleeding and the EMT's  are wrapping Jonathan's head is gauze. The EMT decides he for sure he needs to go by ambulance to Children's because there is no way to make sure he stays awake in his car seat and someone needed to keep is head stable with pressure on the gauze to try and subside the bleeding. We were about to get into the ambulance but,there was one slight problem...my girls are not supposed to ride in the ambulance with us. The nice lady who called 911(was a little rough looking) said "I can keep your girls." Well nice lady, I appreciate all you have done for me in the short 5 minutes I have known you,but there is no way in hell I am going to leave my kids with you. I politely decline. There was no option, all three of my darlings were going in the ambulance. What a sight, I am sure we were, bloody baby,bloody Mama, and two sobbing little blonde's with barf bags because they were nervous wrecks.

  We arrive at Children's Hospital and after the ER nurses examined my little buddy and gave him some Lidocaine and Epinephrine  to numb his head,wrapped his head again and then they sent us to the waiting area. Jonathan had to get a CAT scan and an X-ray before they stitched him up. That was the longest wait ever. We waited 7 long hours before we were seen. Apparently we came in on the night when the flu outbreak took affect in every local school. Oh, and the nurse that gave Jon Boy the two medicines, told us that most likely he would doze off and on from such a hard fall and because of the traumatic day. Ummm yeah right! My child was wound for sound! He literally was bouncing off the walls. It was kind of comical just to see him literally bopping around like nothing happened.

  Finally, we were called back to see the doctor. He had to get a few slivers of glass pulled out of his head, but other than that and 6 stitches on the outside and 3 on the inside, he was good to go.  There my boy was right before Halloween looking like Harry Potter with his little blue stitches.
  One of these days I am hopefully going to be "in stitches" laughing at what a crazy ride that day was! I would laugh now, but I don't want to curse myself  for more  blue stitches to come!

LAUGHING GAS :) :)

 Ahh the days of Summer, when all moms try and fit in every little doctor and dentist appointment possible for their little angels. No doubt, I try and take full advantage of this. Remember the last blog, when I had mentioned Leah had 5 cavities, but I didn't flip out because Jonathan was on the verge of  running into a busy highway? Well, now has come the time to fill those little sugar bugs. 

  My kids absolutely love our dentist. He is awesome. Shout out to Dr. Rider and his staff! Leah was completely pumped when not only did she get to go somewhere alone with me, but she was going to the dentist. They always give the best goody bags. A far cry from when I was little. No wonder I would rather give birth in a cornfield than go to the dentist.

  Of course with getting cavities filled comes the laughing gas. None of my kids have had laughing gas before. I haven't either, so I had no clue what to expect.  Leah was having her teeth done on two different occasions, because it would be too much on her all at once. They call her name back to start working on her pearly whites, and she is one excited girl. Coming out is a complete different story.
  Leah was back getting worked on for a while. When she came out, she was  really numb on the one side. She definitely looked like she wasn't feeling too hot.  The hygienist told me Leah was the best patient she has had in 11 years and that she would probably go home and take a long nap for me. If the hygienist would have gone home with us, she would have a completely different opinion of the patient of the career award.
  I had to work the day she had all this dental work done, but not until later. My cousin was going to come over and sit for 2 hours until Ralph got home from work. We get home, and holy hell breaks lose. I guess the Novocaine was starting to wear off. I asked Leah if I could get her a drink and I think a bit of the chick from the exorcist came out  in her. She went absolutely crazy. She's screaming about drinking a frosty and how it taste "like bad."  "Mom, why did you ruin my frosty?" Leah screeched. "Um, Leah what are you talking about?" I asked " You put the dentist in my frosty." She accused. Then she starts going completely nutty,crying and carrying on about the dentist smell ruining her frosty and then how I gave Ella a towel out of the tub first last night. At this point, I had to call Big Daddy. " I have no clue what the hell is wrong with her. She is so irritated with me. It had to be the laughing gas that isn't making her so funny,but coo coo." I told him. I think Big Daddy thought he was going to be able to put his daddy cape on and come to the rescue. He stops by to check the scene out.  We decide to call my cousin  ,Joey and say don't even bother coming over to babysit. My cousin, Joey is a Seminarian and he is great with my kids. We didn't want him to have to perform a laughing gas exorcism before he was trained to do so:). Of course, when I go to work Leah decides to take a 2 hour nap then. All of her screaming on my watch must have worn her out for Big Daddy's time frame. And yeah, Big Daddy thinks that he has the magic touch that got her to sleep. I will just let him think that. After her nap, she was perfectly fine.

 Yesterday, I had to take Leah in to get the rest of the sugar bugs tackled. I told the hygienist that she had the weirdest reaction to the laughing gas. Obviously, she wasn't all giggly. She told me that sometimes it has the gas has the reverse affect just like benedryl does. ONLY IN MY HOUSE IT WOULD! 
  This time Leah comes out and she is very smiley. Well, if she could have smiled, she would have. She was a laughing fool and I couldn't stop laughing either!  The picture, should say it all. Leah even managed to freak my Mom out with all the laughing so hard she was crying. Leah Ryan, what would I do without you?

GOD'S GIFT

  The last time I blogged it had been a hellacious day, which turned into a  hellacious week. I also, happened to wreck my beloved Grandma's car on Thursday of that particular week. Don't worry though, she's still running! It was a close one! A little face lift and she(the car) will be just fine! So, yes, I did manage to wreck both of our cars in a 4 day period, but who is counting?
  I really was feeling frustrated that week and couldn't wait to start fresh on Monday.  Monday came, and nothing really terribly bad had happened. Tuesday was fine, I guess, because I can't remember it(imagine that) Wednesday, was a whole new story. It has taken me this long to write about it, because I am self diagnosing with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder over it.  Its been rough!
  The rainy weather had finally stopped. It was a beautiful Wednesday. I had picked Leah  and her friend up from Kindergarten at 11:15. Her dentist appointment was at 12:15. So, being the good mother that I am, I decided to take them to McDonald's  Outdoor Play land to kill the hour of time before her appointment. My aunt and a few of my cousins met us there. The play land has a 10 foot rod ironed fence all around it. Kids can't escape,usually. Unless, you are my 2 year old  baby boy.
 This McDonald's sits on a very busy Pike. The speed limit is 35 MPH. Nobody ever goes the speed limit they are always going way too fast. We were getting ready to leave. I sat Jonathan down on a little stoop  completely opposite from the exit door. He was sitting there playing with his shoes I had put on him, while I was throwing the garbage away. My back was turned for maybe 25 seconds. The next thing I hear is screaming from my aunt "Bridget! Bridget! Jonathan! Oh no!Get him!" I drop everything and see my child standing on the corner of US 27 and the drive thru of McDonald's. Another pinky toe out and my child would have been hit by a car. I start sprinting through McDonald's pushing people out of  my way to get to my baby. I had to go through 3 doors that you have to pull open to get to him. For a 2 year old, that is a pretty tough task to get those doors open. I finally get to him, scoop him in my arms and hold on to him as tight as I can. My heart racing, my hand, knees, and I am pretty sure toes were shaking I am completely frantic at this point. I could hardly breathe. My little buddy's life,my life, and my family's lives could have been completely devastated in less than a second.  When I was carrying Jonathan back in the restaurant I asked him"Buddy, what were you doing? You can't be by a busy street." He replied "I was looking for my car seat,Mom." "Oh that's all? I thought you were trying to give me a heart attack." I said huffing and puffing with tears in my eyes.
 I could hardly get the words out when I called my husband to tell him what had happened.  He told me to calm down and start over. I guess I didn't get out the first time that Jonathan was perfectly fine. I was a little hesitant to call to tell Ralph what exactly happened. One of those things where it kinda happened on my watch type thing. He took it way better than I thought. "He is fine, Bridget. That is all that matters." 
 The next phone call I made to calm myself down was to my Mom. Of course by this point its all sinking in what could have happened and I am crying hysterically. In the midst of my sobbing I say "What kind of dumb ass adults were watching my baby try and get out the door of a McDonald's? Why wouldn't they have stopped him?" My Mom said " They were probably thinking what kind of dumb ass parent is letting their child run loose in McDonald's?It can happen to anyone , Bridget. You turn your head for a second and they are off and running" "True." was my reply. After my therapy session between my Mommy and Ralph I was able to drive Leah to her dentist appointment. I am so glad she proudly proclaimed that I saved her little brother's life  to the whole staff. So, when they told me that she had 5 cavities, I didn't flip a lid. In fact, it didn't even phase me. Teeth are fixable and replaceable. Just like my car(s) ,air conditioner , washer and dryer and anything else that was broken or hit the week before.   I don't care who has what, or who is going on vacation where or what nice car everyone else is driving, but me. The pity party from last week was over. All I care about is that my little family is happy,healthy,safe and sound. That is all that matters to me.
  Jonathan's name means Gift from God. All of my children are my best gifts. But, he took a few years and lots of prayers to get on earth. I thought I may never have another baby. I remember the day I had him, not wanting to put him in his bassinet. I wanted to hold him forever. I had him snuggled on my chest whispering to him" You were worth the wait, Jonathan."  He is my definite gift from God.  I wouldn't know what I would do without him!

P.S. I will never judge anyone who has their child on a leash. I think I might need to buy one!
 
 

HIGH SPEED CHASE

  To say it has been a calm day, is an understatement. I should have known how the day was going to go when I could hardly get my girls out of bed for school. Leah, especially was giving me a run for my money this morning. She was dragging her feet and being very difficult,which made us late for school. This was problem # 1 of the day. I should have gone back to bed, but I didn't.

  I was so excited for today because Leah 's dance class was over and  neither of the girls had piano today. I had plans to get a ton accomplished today. Did that happen? Absolutely not! I pick Leah up from school, where she proceeds to tell me that she almost puked at school and had the cold sweats,a bellyache and headache. I take one good look at her and know that she has strep throat. Sure enough, after a visit to my wonderful doctor's office(they were awesome and squeezed us in) Leah is confirmed with her 6th case of strep since December and has to go see an ENT to get her tonsils out.  This is problem of the day #2.

  We get home from the doctor's office and I get Leah and Jonathan all situated  with a movie so I can go switch over the laundry. I go downstairs, lift up the lid of the washer and see that my washer isn't spinning all of the water out of my clothes. OY!!! This is problem of the day #3.

  Ralph gets home from work. I explain to him about the washer. While I am telling him about the washer, he gets a phone call and rushes outside from the madness in the house to be able to hear the person on the other end of the phone. He comes back inside, and has" that look". You know, "the look" your husband has when he is extremely pissed off and is about to explode, but can't because his kids are in the room and doesn't want them to pay a larger dollar amount for the therapy sessions they will need as adults because of their father's explosive behavior.I ask him "What's the matter?" He proceeds to tell me that our bank put a fraud alert on our savings and checking account because they have been having fraudulent activity with the one restaurant we went to. Seriously? Can the day get any worse? Oh you bet your ass it can! This is problem of the day # 4.

 The rule at our house is, when you have strep throat and you have to get a shot, you get to pick whatever you want for dinner. Leah decides she wants Chinese. Yum! I love Chinese! Ralph decides to pick up the food on the way home from work. He tells me something weird was going on at the restaurant. He didn't hear any fryers going and it was so weird how quick our food was ready. Needless to say, our food was DISGUSTING!! GROSS!! GROSS!! GROSS!! I settled for an orange and a piece of cheese for dinner. Problem  of the day # 5.

This is the cherry topper to my day. I am taking Ella to dance class. Two blocks up from my house I stop at a 4 way stop sign. It is my turn to go. I proceed, with caution. The person on the right side of me did not. He is driving a big gray truck. He hits the back end of my car and  slows down, looks at me and keeps on driving. I have watched way too many episodes of Cops and Police Women of Cincinnati. I throw my car in park, push the door open and start sprinting toward this guys car. This guy in a white van saw the whole thing and starts driving after him. He corners his car. The guy gets out a block and a half away from where he hit me and says "Uhh did I hit your car?" My response" What do you think? "  I have his license plate memorized. I already know his type way too well. His type likes to steal strollers off of people's front porches. " You aren't going to call the police, are you?" He asks.  "I already did." I say breathless from my high speed foot chase and calling 911 at the same time. Sometimes, I do impress myself. That is what you call multi-tasking ,my friends. "Damn." is all he had to say to me.
 I come to find out that he was driving his "baby moms" truck. In those exact words,"baby moms". At this point, I am thinking Dear God, its me, Bridget! Please help!! Why, oh why, can't there be normal, decent human beings on this earth?  And by the way, the hit man claims that he wasn't sure if he actually hit my car. How do you not know if you hit someones car? Really? Oh, and before the cops came, he licked his hand and tried to rub out my bumper. "It's paint!" I snapped! " You can't rub it out!" He just looked at me like I had three heads. At least he was smart enough to go stand on the opposite side of the street after I was kind of pissy with him. On a positive note, he did have proof of insurance. We shall see, if it is active. I am not going to hold my breath. I also think  God was trying to give me a sign  today,when my change from my iced tea was $6.66. I even donated a dollar to benefit some foundation so I wouldn't have that amount of change. And what do you know? This was problem #6!
  I can' t wait to get in my bed tonight and forget this all happened! These days only make you stronger or an alcoholic!

THE SEPTIC TANK

   My Grandma and Grandpa lived on about 4 acres. At one point my Grandma and Grandpa had cows, a huge veggie and fruit garden,beautiful rose gardens and an apple orchard. My parents would let us run the land when we would go out there. It was great. My Grandparents also have a septic tank. It used to have a bubble like metal top. Well, it did have a metal top, until I fell through it.  Yep, You got it, at one point in my life half my body was swimming in poo. My Grandma's poo that is! Yuck!

  Before my Grandpa died,he would have what he called a "fall round up."  All of the grand kids come out and help clean up the yard and harvest what is left in the gardens, before winter would come. Then they would order LaRosas or Grandma would make dinner for us.
   We carried on this tradition after Grandpa died. It was too much for Grandma to do alone. So, We go out to Grandma's. I had  had Ella and Leah. They were 1 and 2. Both walking. We are all cleaning outside and Ella and Leah keep running over the septic tank cover. I kept telling them to stop. Did they listen? Of course not! My Dad yells at me to grab Ella would kept jumping on it. I run over, to get her I reach over to grab her and she runs off the lid at this point.  Well, I am already on top of the tank. And the next thing I know is that I am holding on for dear life while half of my body is in the septic tank and my one leg is in a heel stretch position  outside of the tank. IT HURT LIKE HELL!!! I start screaming and my family comes running over laughing hysterically. Really people? You aren't swimming in poo!  My brothers drag be out of the tank. I have crap(literally) all over my body, and in  my hair. I hobble into my Grandma's garage, and strip down naked, throwing my shoes and clothes away. I couldn't decide if I wanted to puke, faint,laugh or cry! I had to get into the shower,obviously and get some new clothes. I go running into my Grandma's house with nothing covering me but a dish towel. Grandma is sitting in her chair. She comes following me into the bathroom.  " Why are you running through the house with not a stitch of clothing on?" She asks. " I fell through your septic tank." I say. " What do you mean you fell through my septic tank? It has a lid." She asks extremely confused. " I fell through it Grandma. It was dry rotted and 30 something years old." I reply. For goodness sake I am trying to scrub her poop off my body! I don't need to be questioned! I tell her to ask my Dad about it. But first, she went in her room and got some clothes out  for me to borrow. Remember,shes 83ish and I am 25. There is a  little bit of a fashion gap there. On her bed she sets out for me a Christmas turtleneck, puke green elastic wasted pants, hospital socks with the tread things on the bottom, and a green harvest sweater, complete with pumpkins and gourds. Oh and I almost forgot, I had to borrow her bra! Ha!Ha! Needless to say it was WAY too small. How did I get this lucky? This would only happen to me!!
    My Mom made me call about getting a tetanus shot. Of course I needed a tetanus shot. It was a Sunday, so I had to go to the hospital and  get a shot. I got some stares! Oh well! A day in the life of Bridget!!

  
  

OPI SPARKLING RED - LIPS THAT IS

    I guess growing up with two older sisters has to be tough. Jonathan is always the babysitter of their baby dolls and always gets the short end of the stick when it comes to the girls playing barbies together instead of rebounding his basketballs or being the pitcher for his baseball game. He usually wants to do whatever his sisters are doing. This would only naturally include putting on lip gloss , nails being polished and putting on head bands.
   We always having a lot of nail polish at our house being a Cosmetologist it can be an addiciton for the great discount I recieve. St. Nick decided to stuff my girls stockings with  a mini set OPI sparkling nail polish. St. Nick will NEVER do this again. Dumbest idea ever!
    This day, I am about to tell you about is going to go down in the history books. We have a had a very cold winter here, in Northern Kentucky. Chapped faces and runny noses seem to be the fashion for children's faces. I had picked Leah up from Kindergarten. We get home from school, I ran upstairs to use the bathroom. I was gone for 30 seconds, at most. I tell Leah to keep an eye on her brother for a second. I come downstairs to my son, with very RED sparkling lips. I thought Leah had put lipstick on him. She is notorious for wearing lipstick all the time. Thank goodness she finally started calling it lipstick and not lipdick. That was a problem for a while. So, back to the sparkling lips. As I get closer to Jonathan, I realize that its not lipstick,its OPI SPARKLING RED NAIL POLISH. "Mom, I let buddy polish his lips!" Leah says all proud. OMG! Nail polish. How in the wide world am I going to get nail polish off of his lips? Not only was it on his lips,it was underneath his nose, where his skin was so chapped and crusty from our horrible winter. I tried wipes. I tried soap. I tried everything. NOTHING was working and my girls needed to go to basketball practice. Great, I am going to have to take my son and his sparkling lips into a gym. Thank goodness he is 2 and won't realize the cross dresser looks he would be given. Oh, and I almost forgot, he was boycotting wearing shoes that day. He looked negleted to say the least!
   After  I got a million questions from the little kids in the gym and weirdo stares, a Mom comes up to me and asked me if I called poison control. I didn't. I am positive he didn't drink it.  He is the youngest of 3. I was trying to get out the door on time to get to the darn basketball practice . I didn't have time to call poison contol!Be happy I am here on time and my other two kids have shoes on with possible matching socks(yeah right!)
  Three days later, after going to the grocery store, running mulitple errands  and going to Jonathan's sisters activities he finally didn't look like Johnna anymore and looked like himself again. I had to pin him on the couch with vaseline and warm water and scrub away while he screamed"I not like my wed(red) wips(lips) Mom! Stop it! Stop it!"

   Lesson learned: I will never leave Leah in charge, even if its for 30 seconds to pee. St. Nick will never bring stocking stuffers of nail polish, and I will take a picture next time if his lips ever get polished again!